When you are a child, you don’t have the knowledge or reasoning you develop when you grow up. Every situation feels like a mountain; it’s new and unexpected, and you don’t know what to do. My whole life I have struggled with a deep need to please others. I constantly sought to make other people happy even if it meant that I couldn’t be. So, when I was little, and I didn't know what to do, my only instinct was to protect the feelings of others before I protected my own. Looking back, I can see that this did nothing but hurt me and make each situation worse.

 

 One night, when I was nine, my older brother Q told me that he wanted me to stay outside and play with him. My parents had called us in and I never wanted to make them unhappy so I told him “no”. Q got angry. He told me that I didn’t love him or care about him. He told me that he would run away if I didn’t stay. My heart sank like a stone. I tried to reason with him, but he didn’t listen. Instead, he turned and ran. He ran fast and far, too far for me to chase him. I sat in the snow and cried until my legs were numb and my nose stung from the cold. I was stuck, halfway between my parents and my brother.

 

 If I had simply gone inside that night, I would not have given Q any attention. Without that attention, it’s likely he would never have run away.

 

When I was eleven, I had two best friends: Claire and Hannah. They loved me but hated each other. One day, at school, they decided they could no longer be friends. Hannah told me that if I wanted to be her friend, I couldn’t talk to Claire anymore. Claire told me that if I talked to Hannah, it would be the biggest of betrayals. I did not return to school for a week after that. I was sick; I threw up 5 times a day, my body desperately trying to rid itself of the stress inflicted by this dispute. Secretly, I was happier at home being sick and miserable than having to make a choice that would hurt one of my friends.

 

The friendship I had with both of them was stronger than the hatred they had for each other. If I had simply told Hannah and Claire that I would not choose between them, they would have been forced to resolve their fight.

 

Starting when I was twelve, I would dread going to my Oma’s (grandma’s) house because my step-grandpa was not a nice man to me. When I was sixteen, one of those dreaded days came around, and off I went to Oma’s. That day, my step-grandpa took it farther than he ever had before. I knew I couldn’t hide it any longer; I had to seek help. I had dreaded that day for so long. I had kept this secret for so long. I was worried that the truth would bring unhappiness to my family; I was worried it would tear us apart. My Oma’s house was a communal hangout for not only my close relatives but also my extended family. I knew that once I told someone, everything would change. That night, I did finally tell my parents, and, as I had suspected, everything changed.

 

 Looking back, I don’t regret telling my parents what my step-grandpa did, no matter the consequences. Even if things changed, I know that it was caused solely by my step-grandpa's actions. It was no fault of mine. I am proud to have had the courage to stand up for myself一 to protect myself.

 

Although these are not happy stories, they are my stories. They helped shape me into the person I am now. They helped me realize that I can save myself a lot of pain, sadness, and fear if I just put myself first.